The Cold Shoulder Treatment

Have you ever been given the cold-shoulder treatment by a friend or loved one?

Probably.

Most people have encountered that experience at some point in their life.

One of my most painful experiences involved a beloved aunt.

Sixteen years ago I gave birth to my second child. It was a particularly difficult birth and an even more difficult nursing experience. Simultaneously I lost a dear friend to cancer and another close friend lost her eight year old son to cancer as well. Because of the birth and living in another state, I was unable to attend either funeral – which added to my grief.

At the same time, my beloved Aunt lost her long-term-boyfriend. He passed away very suddenly of a brain aneurism, leaving her devastated.

My family is originally from Michigan and my aunt and I were the only two family members to have relocated. We both lived on the East coast, she in New York and me in Philadelphia.

She was distraught nearly to the point of suicide. My aunt and I had been close since childhood – more like sisters than aunt/niece – and I prayed for her daily.

In time she recovered, reuniting with her daughter and marrying a wonderful man.

But, ever since that time, sixteen years ago, my Aunt Linda has given me the cold-shoulder treatment.

Repeatedly I have asked her why she has had a change in heart.

It occurred at the same time that she lost her boyfriend, so I have always thought that it had something to do with the fact that I was unable to visit her following his death (for the same reason that I was unable to attend the funeral of either my friend or my friend’s son).

She has never given me an answer.

“Ostracism, like the silent treatment and cold shoulder, are very common for two reasons, says Kipling Williams, professor of psychological sciences at Purdue who researches ostracism.

“First, they’re powerful,” Williams says. “And second, you can get away with them. If people are physically or verbally abusive, they can be punished. But it’s hard to punish someone for not making eye contact or ignoring another person. If the person is confronted by asking, ‘Why are you not talking to me?,’ the person can easily deny the accusation.”

He goes on to note that: “Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realize the emotional or physical harm that is being done.”

I’ve given up on any attempt to reconcile with my Aunt, choosing, instead, to focus on happier memories.